Found while searching for chilli pepper logos...
Saturday, October 11, 2014
"I gotta stay high all the time, to keep you off my mind."
I'm watching a friend go through a break up right now and it's painful. It dredges up my emotional memory and I remember....I remember the pain and I know there are no words I can offer that will provide consolation or put salve on the wounds. The only cure, no matter what lies people tell you, is time and a damn good helping of intestinal fortitude to get your ass to the other side.
An old relationship: it was nothing and yet it was everything all at the same time. I'm still not entirely sure why it felt as important as it did, and yet it was. Everyday afterwards, I felt like I was struggling, treading water, trying to survive. Somedays I didn't even want to swim anymore.
A part of me is always going to hate that I went through it or rather put myself through it. I'm deeply disappointed that I even tried to prolong it - we both should have been smarter than that, however we all have our human moments and somehow it fulfilled some deep seated needs within us at a point that we both needed to cling to something bigger than we were as individuals. Perhaps that right there is the answer itself.
What I know is that to heal, I had to own that I had that anger and resentment and then once I was honest, I had to get down to brass tacks and let it fucking go. I mean, I was curling up with it on the daily like some fucking security blanket of sad girl feels. I was a major asshole over it and I could call it all up at the drop of a song. It was ridiculous and at times, immobilizing. What I needed to do was forgive both of us for those moments in time, because back then, I thought it was the only thing I wanted and that I would sacrifice everything for it. I forgot my values, my friends and family, my dreams and my goals. I was drunk on love and at the mercy of a relationship and momentum that sucked me into it's wake and carried me along without reason.
When I can't make sense of my brain, I tend to turn to science and I remember reaching out greedily for some article that would magically make sense of my pain and what I was going through. I wanted a panacea that would solve the riddle of my heart. I came across some research on breakups and the impact they have on our emotional state and well being, which led to a period of break downs: it explained that on average, it would take my brain 8 months to a year to heal from these wounds no one could see. I honestly didn't know if I would make it that long.
Emotional resiliency is not a thing to be taken lightly, it can save your life. A a year and a bit later, I find that I still rub those scars from time to time to remind me of that time. I need to remember who I am today and how easy it is to completely lose yourself in someone else. I pay attention, I'm present and engaged; I bear my values and beliefs proudly and I challenge all comers who claim that I am less than them for the things I enjoy and hold dear. No one will ever engulf me again or make me feel not valued. I will see them coming early on and rip them from my life like the cancer they are - without remorse.
Fuck those guys, and fuck you if you're one of them - because absolutely no one gets to tell me how to do me, or how you should do you. You and I are the experts with the experience and knowledge to back our present decisions and actions up, not those guys. Not them, not the people who love us and certainly not the peanut gallery who are so insignificant in their own lives that they need to judge everyone else's from their high horse. We decide who we are and how we ultimately show up after this experience.
If you're going through the end of a tumultuous relationship, do what you need to in order to get through it. Remember though, keep your perspective. Make sure you come up for air and don't submerse yourself in it. Just aim to start taking in more air than water until you can get back onto the shore.
Make sure you come back to the people who care about you when you can. The more of those moments you can fit in, the faster you will remember that there was more to life than what you lost. You might be at a point where you are treading water and self-medicating the pain away - remember you're on a journey and this is not your destination.
A final thought for you: remember that you're tough and you're a survivor - so far you have survived everything life has thrown your way and the odds are once again in your favour in this experience.
Chilli Xoxo
An old relationship: it was nothing and yet it was everything all at the same time. I'm still not entirely sure why it felt as important as it did, and yet it was. Everyday afterwards, I felt like I was struggling, treading water, trying to survive. Somedays I didn't even want to swim anymore.
A part of me is always going to hate that I went through it or rather put myself through it. I'm deeply disappointed that I even tried to prolong it - we both should have been smarter than that, however we all have our human moments and somehow it fulfilled some deep seated needs within us at a point that we both needed to cling to something bigger than we were as individuals. Perhaps that right there is the answer itself.
What I know is that to heal, I had to own that I had that anger and resentment and then once I was honest, I had to get down to brass tacks and let it fucking go. I mean, I was curling up with it on the daily like some fucking security blanket of sad girl feels. I was a major asshole over it and I could call it all up at the drop of a song. It was ridiculous and at times, immobilizing. What I needed to do was forgive both of us for those moments in time, because back then, I thought it was the only thing I wanted and that I would sacrifice everything for it. I forgot my values, my friends and family, my dreams and my goals. I was drunk on love and at the mercy of a relationship and momentum that sucked me into it's wake and carried me along without reason.
When I can't make sense of my brain, I tend to turn to science and I remember reaching out greedily for some article that would magically make sense of my pain and what I was going through. I wanted a panacea that would solve the riddle of my heart. I came across some research on breakups and the impact they have on our emotional state and well being, which led to a period of break downs: it explained that on average, it would take my brain 8 months to a year to heal from these wounds no one could see. I honestly didn't know if I would make it that long.
Emotional resiliency is not a thing to be taken lightly, it can save your life. A a year and a bit later, I find that I still rub those scars from time to time to remind me of that time. I need to remember who I am today and how easy it is to completely lose yourself in someone else. I pay attention, I'm present and engaged; I bear my values and beliefs proudly and I challenge all comers who claim that I am less than them for the things I enjoy and hold dear. No one will ever engulf me again or make me feel not valued. I will see them coming early on and rip them from my life like the cancer they are - without remorse.
Fuck those guys, and fuck you if you're one of them - because absolutely no one gets to tell me how to do me, or how you should do you. You and I are the experts with the experience and knowledge to back our present decisions and actions up, not those guys. Not them, not the people who love us and certainly not the peanut gallery who are so insignificant in their own lives that they need to judge everyone else's from their high horse. We decide who we are and how we ultimately show up after this experience.
If you're going through the end of a tumultuous relationship, do what you need to in order to get through it. Remember though, keep your perspective. Make sure you come up for air and don't submerse yourself in it. Just aim to start taking in more air than water until you can get back onto the shore.
Make sure you come back to the people who care about you when you can. The more of those moments you can fit in, the faster you will remember that there was more to life than what you lost. You might be at a point where you are treading water and self-medicating the pain away - remember you're on a journey and this is not your destination.
A final thought for you: remember that you're tough and you're a survivor - so far you have survived everything life has thrown your way and the odds are once again in your favour in this experience.
Chilli Xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)